Why
by Temari 88
Summary: After the latest tranformation into Seiten Taisei, Goku thinks about the reason why Sanzo had left them to travel with Hazel and Gato...


_Hello everybody! :D_

_The following story is the translation of a work of mine I'd originally written in Italian. Personally I think it's quite good, but we0ll see what you all think XP_

_Uhm, what to say...?  
Yes, the story is setted in-between volumes 8-9 and 10 of Saiyuki Reload, the time-frame is made up though because, even if I'm sort of reading them on the web, I don't exactly know how long Sanzo remains with Hazel and Gato..._

_This is in Goku's POV; it can be seen as both friendship and/or slight romance, as you like :D_

_Disclamer: Saiyuki is not mine (and never will be)_

_Off you go!_

_Read&Review! XD_

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**WHY?**

**- Goku's POV-**

Why…?  
Why…? Sanzo…?  
Sanzo, _why_ did you leave…?

What happened?

The only things I remember are… that short conversation we had just outside the inn we were staying at –it had been a long time since we last had the chance to talk so calmly, just the two of us; then… oh! Right… the shots, and the searing pain washing over me in a millisecond as I fell and looked round to spot you… but my vision had tinged crimson and I couldn't see anything anymore.

I remember you face too.

But I can't describe the expression I saw reflected there: the pain was so intense, I could barely breathe; I was unable to focus on my surroundings, I couldn't focus my eyes on you either…

I can't recall clearly what went on, but I know for sure that that has been the last time I've seen you…

Why, Sanzo…?  
Why aren't you here?  
_Why_ you're here calling me a bakasaru…?

I should really stop asking 'Why?', after all I believe I have understood.

Rather, I know; I do know the reason: I'd turned into _him_ again, the Seiten Taisei. This time you've had enough, right Sanzo? You're finally sick of having to constantly look after me… you're tired of having to always clean after the mess I make…

I understand it, you know… if I could, I'd get away from myself too, just like you did. I can't bear myself…! I hate myself! I hate myself!! I HATE MYSELF!!!

I _hate_ the way I can't seem to control myself…!

I can't stop the shudder running through my body, at the thought of just how much I risked, this time; at the thought of _how close_ I got to killing Hakkai! And fear strangles me even more in its hands as my mind continues to repeat:

**"It could have happened to Sanzo."**

Terror gets a hold of me, then, because if you had been in Hakkai's place, Sanzo, you wouldn't have had any chance…! You wouldn't have had any possibility of surviving: you, a human, against a monster who seriously risked killing Hakkai in his youkai form…

So, I can't help being relieved knowing you're okay; knowing that at least this time I didn't hurt you. You are safe, away from me.

Since that night, not much time has passed -barely two months- but it's been tough, for me at least: I've spent all my life beside you, literally, because I started to live when you freed me from that prison… for that reason, I've always been in your debt, I've always tried to please you to saw you the choice you did had been right… to show you I was worth to walk beside you.

But maybe, during these six years, I fooled myself: I've understood now, I'm just something like a bomb constantly on the verge of explosion, I'm _dangerous_; everything will end when I'll blow up talking all of those I care about with me… and I don't know if can do something…

Even if right now we're in a village entirely inhabited by youkai, even if I have Hakkai and Gojyo here with me, even if I smile… still, I feel so immensely _alone_.

Every time I find an interesting thing, it is so natural for me to look back saying "Hey, Sanzo! Look what I found!"… before it dawns on me that you travel with us no longer…

Sanzo, you made a wise decision about leaving… even if now I miss you so much…

&-&-&-&

Perched on the windowsill, I look out to the sun, slowly disappearing behind the buildings of the village we've reached some time ago. To tell the truth, I'm looking but I'm not _seeing_ what's in front of my eyes: I'm too lost in all the thoughts swirling and clashing inside my head.

Today, a lot has happened… and a lot of emotions are packed inside me…

The bedroom's door opens and then closes; I hear one of the chairs being moved from beside the table and the faint rustling of clothes as the newcomer sits down in silence. I keep my eyes on the horizon: a flat line interrupted only by the silhouettes of the houses and the stores.

I go back on to try and sort out my feelings, I try to understand which of the many is predominant… I can't. I've manage to reduce the decision between two, though: happiness and fear. To finally come to a decision I resort to asking the person who'd entered the room some minutes ago.

I speak slowly, my voice calm, with my face still turned towards the sun that's almost completely disappeared from sight.

"Why did you leave… Sanzo?"

For a time, silence is the only sound reverberating in the room then I turn to rest my eyes on the one person I've thought about more than anything in my life. I see Sanzo closing his eyes and sigh, as if he was trying to forget the question I asked him; finally he rests his eyes on me, still without talking.

As I observe him, I can, at last, tell which emotion has the strongest hold on me in this moment and, if in all these years I've known Sanzo, I've learned to 'read' him well enough, I'd say that the same exact thing unnerves him as well…

I keep my silence, waiting for Sanzo to answer. I know he will.

Sanzo's eyes shift a bit, so that he's looking at the horizon, but keeping me in his line of sight. In a quiet whisper, he speaks.

"I was afraid."

I can't help but smile slightly. "I am as well."

Afraid of what had happened.  
Afraid of what might have happened.  
Afraid of it happening again.  
Afraid of not being able to save those important to us.  
Afraid of loosing those we care about.

_**Fear.**_

"But I am also happy about you being here again." I add after a moment's silence.

"Mmm…"

"Ehehe… Sanzo…?"

"What?"

"… I'm hungry…"

"… Bakasaru…"

Suddenly, I start laughing out loud. It has been a while since the last time I laughed like this…! Now I really am happy!

Of course, the fear is still there, but this feeling of dire happiness and peacefulness outweighs the risks… and I'm almost certain Sanzo thinks the same exact thing.

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_Finished!_

_Hope you liked it XD_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_


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